Present Spirit & Terror

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Present Spirit & Terror

Postby Laura Marx » Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:48 am

So. I really need help, guys. I'm sorry to be such a damn amateur and get obviously way above my head. But, I really need help. So, anyone with any advice for me, thankyou so much.

About... Five years ago, a spirit of some kind came to me. It appeared in visions and... blah blah. I wont name it publicly. So, I identified with this spirit, called myself by its name. You must understand: I suffered from schizophrenia at this time. So having visions of entities wasn't a strange thing, and I always knew they weren't real or at least 'not real' not real if you know what I mean. Maybe they were real, in some abstract Lacanian way, or in some astral way, but they were certainly not actually there. But this one was different. Anyway, blah blah, skip forward a few years. This spirit is guiding me through my madness and basically he is responsible for me not having schizophrenia anymore, or rather, without him I could never have done it. My psychiatrist just today was saying she's never seen such a miraculous recovery - within a few months all symptoms stopped and now almost two years on they've never recurred. That's just not how schizophrenia works. So, good lord, you know?

Anyway, blah blah. We had a falling out. I at one time believed he was my Holy Guardian Angel, and I think that grew to some tensions because we disagreed and it wasn't just me ignoring my better nature, we disagreed over politics and philosophy and damn... Sports. We were like angry flatmates. So we 'broke up' you might say. I told my mentor and he said, well, hey, it happens. You get one teacher, and eventually you move on to the next teacher... He suggested, in order to make things up, I cook him a meal some night, sit down and eat it with him, apologise, thank him, and we'll go our separate ways amicably.

So I did that. I cooked fish & bread, set up two glasses and a bottle of wine and a candle at the table, with two chairs. I laid out the meal, and when everything was ready, I opened the back door, symbolically, and welcomed him. I came in, pulled his chair out, and closed the door behind me. After I did that, well...

My mother found me outside, calling her to come back (she had gone out to give me some time alone with him - we live together, she's sweet). I was shivering & terrified. What happened was this: when I closed the door, I looked up and he was there. He was there! He was there! Not in a gross physical way, he was not there in flesh. But the whole room was golden-yellow, which I knew to be his colour (he corresponded to Tipareth, as best as I knew - possibly Resh instead idk, gold & sun), and the whole room was swirling and moving around and unreal and not there and there was terror in my heart, real terror, and I said to myself 'he's here'. And I ran outside and called my mother. Anyway, I figured it was bad, and also rude, but a bad idea, to just leave him there, so I went and retraced my steps, opened the doors, etc., and I said, at the back door, like I thanked him for coming, apolgoised for not being able to eat with him, thanked him for everything he'd done for me, apologised for things going sour, said I hope I see him again some time. (All of this with my eyes closed), and cya. Then I closed the door and ran to the front of the estate to wait for my mother, lol.

After throwing the food away, I burned white sage (a recommendation from a Cherokee friend from a long time ago, as a banishing/purifying herb) & touched the four corners with the smoke, the light, and sat it on the floor and prayed to God & the saints that I could be protected from bad spirits and whatever else. Waiting for the fire to go down me and my dog had a good loud long barking match and then I opened the doors, the window, and ate something else, and had a chat with my girlfriend on Skype (she said it reminded her of how Angels always had to tell people not to be afraid of them). Anyway. That's what happened.

Did I do okay...? Is this okay...? I realise what I was doing was more or less a primitive evoking ritual. I got what I paid for, I guess. Was my banishing okay? Did I treat the spirit with enough respect? What should I do now? This is coming from somebody who does not practice magic or mysticism at all, I burn herbs now and again that's it, all experiences thus far have been totally passive. I thought it'd be good to resolve this before going on to do actual magic (planned to start Liber Resh tomorrow & am meeting with an OTO body this week), you know, to enter into a new stage clean and with clean hands and no lingering guilt or whatever.

I'm just saying... Is there anything else I need to do? I thought about maybe writing him a letter telling him everything I wanted to tell him but didn't get to because of the terrible fear, and/or making a votive offering somewhere in the nearby hill (we've had lots of experiences up there). Good idea? Bad idea?

Thank you so much for all the help and again, I'm sorry for being such an amateur.
"Human existence is so fragile a thing and exposed to such dangers that I cannot love without trembling. ”
― Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace
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Re: Present Spirit & Terror

Postby HounganRocky » Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:57 am

PM me
"You should know that I am a dangerous man."

"What did you dream about this afternoon? A woman in your arms? The sea at your doorstep? Nooooo! You dreamt of me and of the grave. I know because I was there."
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Re: Present Spirit & Terror

Postby Angel of Death » Fri Sep 20, 2013 6:22 am

Jackie,
I've been thinking about the best way to offer you help. It can be difficult to find the right words because I know there is a lot of energy that I am not clearly hearing from you. First of all being that you do have a medical diagnosis, I encourage you to continue to use professional help to build upon your life skills.
I personally think that at the time of these events, you did the best you were capable of doing at that time, and that this whole ordeal was exactly what you had the capacity to effectively deal with.
What ever that entity was that you were relating with/to served you well, at that time. It would appear to me though that this relationship ran it's course, and you no longer have a need for it. You outgrew it you could say.
separations can be (usually are actually) painful and confusing. When one disentangles oneself from another, sometimes we get little kinks, bumps, bruises.....which can become an issue only if not smoothed out, nursed and addressed. That's what your dinner was supposed to be. Sometimes though, the Other has a misperception that it is not capable of fully sensing, or realizing. Yet.
The best advice I can give you is to know that you have the power within you to heal yourself, fully, of any dis-ease or imbalance. At that moment you acted as skillfully as you knew how, but you are different today and today you have more skills. Be confident in your ability to deal with what ever comes your way, and act from a place of love.

In my mind I am thinking of how as a teen I would break up with boyfriends. I didn't do it very well, and I'm pretty sure I hurt some feelings. If I was to run into those men now, I wouldn't apologize from breaking up with them, but in some cases I may apologize for my unskilled manner in which I did it. It would an offering of Love, to acknowledge that I disrespected them and treated them undignifiedly.
We cannot go back and do things over, but we can remember and grow, reflect on ourselves and carry that forward into each new moment.
Love is the Law.
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Re: Present Spirit & Terror

Postby Laura Marx » Sun Sep 22, 2013 2:50 am

It's funny that you say that I should continue with professional help - of course usually I would agree with you, however, that very day that I made this thread my psychotherapist, who gave me the diagnosis in the first place, said I had come on so much she really didn't feel I needed professional help anymore. And I agreed! So, I am definitely in a very good place or at least on a very good road, mentally.

I personally think that at the time of these events, you did the best you were capable of doing at that time, and that this whole ordeal was exactly what you had the capacity to effectively deal with.
What ever that entity was that you were relating with/to served you well, at that time. It would appear to me though that this relationship ran it's course, and you no longer have a need for it. You outgrew it you could say.


Yeah, absolutely.

separations can be (usually are actually) painful and confusing. When one disentangles oneself from another, sometimes we get little kinks, bumps, bruises.....which can become an issue only if not smoothed out, nursed and addressed. That's what your dinner was supposed to be. Sometimes though, the Other has a misperception that it is not capable of fully sensing, or realizing. Yet.
The best advice I can give you is to know that you have the power within you to heal yourself, fully, of any dis-ease or imbalance. At that moment you acted as skillfully as you knew how, but you are different today and today you have more skills. Be confident in your ability to deal with what ever comes your way, and act from a place of love.


This is really great advice, thankyou very very much.

In my mind I am thinking of how as a teen I would break up with boyfriends. I didn't do it very well, and I'm pretty sure I hurt some feelings. If I was to run into those men now, I wouldn't apologize from breaking up with them, but in some cases I may apologize for my unskilled manner in which I did it. It would an offering of Love, to acknowledge that I disrespected them and treated them undignifiedly.
We cannot go back and do things over, but we can remember and grow, reflect on ourselves and carry that forward into each new moment.


This really helped me a lot the past few days. This is really good, you are absolutely right. It is not that I did anything wrong, per se, but that I do not have the maturity to do it right. I was worried that terrible things would happen to me, really, but the past few days have been... Amazing. Really amazing. Really amazing! In terms of magic and everything I have begun a lot of very important things, and so on. My life seems to have very suddenly went in a very different direction and it is wonderful, really wonderful! I think this, you know, farewell, even if a shaky and nervous farewell, a farewell to the spirit of these past four or five years, was a really good thing.

Thankyou both for the advice and everything, it helped me a lot :)
"Human existence is so fragile a thing and exposed to such dangers that I cannot love without trembling. ”
― Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace
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Re: Present Spirit & Terror

Postby Uni_Verse » Tue Sep 24, 2013 8:45 am

Had you ever tried something similar prior to this experience ?

Laura Marx wrote:About... Five years ago, a spirit of some kind came to me. It appeared in visions and... blah blah. I wont name it publicly. So, I identified with this spirit, called myself by its name. You must understand: I suffered from schizophrenia at this time. So having visions of entities wasn't a strange thing, and I always knew they weren't real or at least 'not real' not real if you know what I mean. Maybe they were real, in some abstract Lacanian way, or in some astral way, but they were certainly not actually there. But this one was different. Anyway, blah blah, skip forward a few years. This spirit is guiding me through my madness and basically he is responsible for me not having schizophrenia anymore, or rather, without him I could never have done it. My psychiatrist just today was saying she's never seen such a miraculous recovery - within a few months all symptoms stopped and now almost two years on they've never recurred. That's just not how schizophrenia works. So, good lord, you know?


The important aspect, in my opinion, is that the experience was real.
Whether or not there is any objective validity to it is inconsequential.
What did you learn ? How did it effect you?
Those are the things to focus on.

Laura Marx wrote:Anyway, blah blah. We had a falling out. I at one time believed he was my Holy Guardian Angel, and I think that grew to some tensions because we disagreed and it wasn't just me ignoring my better nature, we disagreed over politics and philosophy and damn... Sports. We were like angry flatmates. So we 'broke up' you might say. I told my mentor and he said, well, hey, it happens. You get one teacher, and eventually you move on to the next teacher... He suggested, in order to make things up, I cook him a meal some night, sit down and eat it with him, apologise, thank him, and we'll go our separate ways amicably.


From my own experiences and what I have heard from others this is not an uncommon occurrence.
There is great magick power to be found in the embracing of things we otherwise disagree with or even are disgusted by.

Were you to meet who I was before I started walking 'the path' you might not believe we were the same person...

Laura Marx wrote:Did I do okay...? Is this okay...? I realise what I was doing was more or less a primitive evoking ritual. I got what I paid for, I guess. Was my banishing okay? Did I treat the spirit with enough respect? What should I do now? This is coming from somebody who does not practice magic or mysticism at all, I burn herbs now and again that's it, all experiences thus far have been totally passive. I thought it'd be good to resolve this before going on to do actual magic (planned to start Liber Resh tomorrow & am meeting with an OTO body this week), you know, to enter into a new stage clean and with clean hands and no lingering guilt or whatever.


Sounds like you got more than you bargained for :)
I am unsure whether to consider this an evocation, you appear to have had a much stronger bond with this entity than one normally creates with one evoked.

Fortify your island,
Dung it about with enginery of War -
So that your next meeting is more pleasant :D
There is only one verse,
sung in infinite ways.
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"Here!"
I come or came?
I sung!
To seeD the Way
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God sings,
WE experience:
THE UNIVERSE!
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