(Firstly - My daily self vowed Probabtioner work is -
LIRP mornings/LBRP evenings.
Asana x2 30 mins (and increasing)
Middle Pillar Ritual and Circulation of the Body of light.
Intellectual meditations and stimulation via Sacred Texts, Gematria.Correspondances. Comparitive mysticism.Kaballa.
Mindfulness meditation as much as possible through the day.
Work to establish basic communication with the angel.
Energised enthusiasm through music.
Concentration excerises. BOL excercises alternating.
Dream dairy.
Stretching constantly. I mean every minute.
Also Energised Meditation by Hyatt a few times a week.)
So after doing these endlessly I find nothing is really improving in health or mental attitude after an initial upswing with the invoking ritual of the pentagram.
So I was looking at the 5 Preliminaries in order to tackle my specific circumstances. Here is an example of what I've worked out so far.
Definition of Purpose - To be able to not feel as if I am being killed by my own body and to actually feel ok emotionally.
(Issue - I have CFS and am unable to work and have been unable to work for the last 18 years. I've also become terrifically isolated as a result of not being able to travel. I've not seen a friend in 2 years.
I have social anxiety when I am around more than one person and I begin to feel intense anger and adrenaline to shaking with rage within 2-4 minutes).
Is it consistant with the True Will - I have no idea. Are some people here to suffer? History seems to prove so.
Is it necessary - if it is my True Will then it is 100% necessary.
Take action! - I cannot take action. Because I cannot take action this ritual is necessary.
Creative Visulisation - seeing myself mobile, being able to breathe and smiling?
Confront the Shadow - 'You aren't meant to be happy. Everything will go wrong as it has every step before. You hate yourself. Don't fool yourself. Just struggle to breathe until you die. Magick for money wont work. The Therapist will not want to work with you anyway. Even if she does she'll be the same as all the others. Stop fooling yourself and accept the world is sorrow that you are running away from.
Result -
I understand the Qlipoth will destroy the intentions to get better.
Where do I go from here? What would be the correct magical way to proceed? I cannot imagine I would be able to delve into the qlipothic forces and transmute them alone at my level. Can imagine it being actively suicidal to do.
It seems like a checkmate more than a stalemate.
Help.