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Victor wrote:I started school in August, and past insecurities and fears have come back to hit me at full force. People reach out to me, and I push them away. I try to reach out to others, and I block myself. Every way I wanted this to be different, every way it is the same.
I can rationally observe my behavior in a new light, it is true, but it seems pointless. I continue to revert back to old patterns, sensing hostility everywhere, shielding myself. I have so much love to give, so incapable of giving it.
Even if I were to gain a connection, what do I have to give? What I really thought was me turned out false, I had to completely rethink everything up to that point. I don't know where I am, what I am. My life looks to me only a stream of failures and missed opportunities. I'm not skilled at anything, have no knowledge to speak of, nothing to show for all my years. My words and expressions feel forced, dishonest, merely masking emptiness.
This sense of empowerment that I felt, this conviction that I was on the right track, I can't find it anymore. I feel like I have been wandering in a dream, and this is me waking up. Was this all a trick I played on myself, trying to forget the painful reality of my situation?
Such high hopes I had for this. How I believed in it. How far away it all seems.
Victor wrote:This is a long-winded and terribly self-centered post.
Victor wrote:I got started on this path a couple of years ago, fumbling my way through the dark. The Book of the Law fell into my lap during this time. A series of shattering experiences followed. All the ways in which I had continually been sabotaging my life, and the ways I tried to explain them away, became clearly visible. All the ways in which I had been trying to build an identity around superficialities and pretensions, to mask my insecurity. All the ways in which I felt myself unjustly and harshly treated by the world, when really I was just as big of an ass myself most of the time.
Victor wrote:Made attempts at developing structure in my everyday life, which worked rather less well than more, but still.
Victor wrote:Was this all a trick I played on myself, trying to forget the painful reality of my situation?
Victor wrote:I feel so alone. So powerless.
Jim Eshelman wrote:So... what changed? Was this triggered by going back to school? If so, by what exactly (if you can tell), e.g., the discipline, the energy expenditure, the locale, the performance expectations and judgments, etc.?
But it's really the opposite: You were awake, and now you're back in the reactive, disoriented, "other language" of a dream.
First, this is what good (insight-oriented) psychotherapy is for. Get some.
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