Liber LXV I:59. Stained is the purple of thy mouth, O brilliant one, with the white glory of the lips of Adonai.
60. The foam of the grape is like the storm upon the sea; the ships tremble and shudder; the shipmaster is afraid.
61. That is thy drunkenness, O holy one, and the winds whirl away the soul of the scribe into the happy haven.
62. O Lord God! let the haven be cast down by the fury of the storm! Let the foam of the grape tincture my soul with Thy light!
More! MORE! MORE..!!!
I'm just going to speak honestly from experience for a moment. Make of it what you will, but I do not claim to have crossed the Abyss.
There was a moment in my past where I was rapt in miraculous seeming synchronicity. I could not even think a thought without the universe seemingly quickly reacting by supplying more information on the subject. I don't really know how to describe it, but it was the most impressive thing I had ever experienced up to that point. I thought surely that I had achieve K&C. In reality, I knew next to nothing about it in order to draw such a conclusions. But in my mind, I had crossed a barrier into a new way of living. I conceived of it as a permanent change of experience for me. In that rapture, I wanted More! MORE! MORE..! And I asked even to cross the Abyss - to be made complete! I truly wanted to be the kind of person that only saw the Divine in every interaction.
So began the most maddening experience of my life. I cannot say for certain that this was the Abyss
. I only know my vocabulary was limited, and my intention included this term. I don't think I'm entirely alone in such thinking and actions.
That sense of perfect synchronicity evolved into ...how to describe it... a sense of perfect challenge(?). When I came across another person, no matter who it might be (in fact, even the dog was involved in this), there was the inner sense that all these things were in reality perfectly knowledgable - that an aspect of them, at least, was fully enlightened. And OH! how I wanted to interact with such beings! But each and everything they said seemed like a deception - a part they were bound to play instead of being that thing that I felt each to be. "Woman! Family! Friends! Why do you all act like I'm crazy? You know who you are! You know what you are capable of! Let's all be that!" But the seeming deception continued. In each case, it was if there was always the unspoken challenge: "What makes you say I'm not being that right now? What part of me are you calling less than Divine?" So, I attempted to give up all judgment and just accept what I experienced. I laughed at people being mean. I winked at people when they stole. When I was corrected for this, I felt the correction too must be Divine! And I developed an intense internal conflict.
And then the Game began. Who would I let get away with what? There were, afterall, no real rules to this "place." Anything could happen it seemed, and much unexplainable by me did happen. There were times when I feared I would change universes just by closing my eyes - and who knew where I would end up. The very elements themselves seemed to attempt to rebel against me, as if it was my fault and my fault alone that they were not free from the limitation of manifestation. I began to identify with Saturn. There had to be rules for there to be manifestation. There had to be limitation. Of course, you have to remember that all of this was layered into my experience of everyday reality: watching TV, going to work, interacting at home. I had to stand for order, or there would be only incoherent madness. There were plotlines within plotlines projected onto every event. It was at this point that I began to identify as a Libra in relation to everything else. What had seemed mysterious rebellious elements began to be understood as zodiacal permutations of mind and being, of which I was representative of one ray in relationship to the others.
I still find myself running up against strong zodiacal characters. I'll react to someone for a while, and then I'll have a moment of realization that this is my Libra in reaction to someone's Capricorn. Aries, directly across, probably interacts with me the most. He's either claiming his right to battle, or I'm restricting it out of the principle of needed equilibrium. But when we agree and team up, it's game on. lol...
Mostly these days, I like to sit and listen to people - to try to figure out what they're expressing and fit it into the zodiacal mandala of the Divine Life.
Now, I don't know if that was the Abyss
as technically defined, but it sure was something
. And, as to whether I "crossed it." lol... I doubt it. I absolutely do not live in some glorious experience where every a**hole who comes my way is smiled upon and seen as a glorious expression of the Divine. I can rant and rail at the universe with the best of them. I can become entirely sidetracked and incensed by politics, and that's probably another vote in the "nay" column. Does a Magister Templi yell at politicians on the TV? I doubt it... lol... I guess when I do lean toward thinking it was the Abyss
, I think I'm glad I'm alive - cast out, or what-have-you - doesn't matter. I don't think, however, that I'll be making the attempt again any time soon. Maybe in my next life, I'll get an earlier start in hermticism, and we'll see what happens. But for now, I still feel like I'm settling out from that completely unpinned and unhinged experience. Still... But it is all settling out. Even still, I'm getting my feet under me again and trying to take up beginning practices again that I once couldn't even imagine leaving behind.
I still don't know what to call it, and I have found that the need to call it something and label it is in itself a maddening distraction. So, I've given that up as well.
I can only say that I initiated some sort of very dangerous, potentially maddening, completely psychologically unhinged experience from which I have learned a great deal. I think such experiences are what people are talking about and trying to find vocabulary to define. I don't really care who has or has not crossed the Great Whatever. I am really interested in people's experiences, though, and what they've learned from them.
Some people call me the space cowboy.